Wednesday, November 07, 2007
C is for Cookie...and Colonoscopy
There is a reason why they don't normally make people get one of these before the age of 50. And if someone tells you, "It's not that bad," they are making a bald-faced lie. First of all, you can't eat anything except broth and clear liquids for the entire day before. This doesn't sound so bad, except that foods in your house start calling your name. If I could just add a few crackers to my broth it wouldn't be so bad...
A few hours later, when your stomach is registering on the Richter scale, the fun REALLY begins. There are a few different bowel preps. The particular torture my doctor prescribed involves drinking a gallon of salt water sludge. They give you four flavor packets so you can choose your flavor. (Note: Even if you add all four packets, it will not improve the flavor.)
The directions tell you to drink 8 ounces every 10 minutes until your jug o' fun is empty. The first glass is actually not too bad. By the second glass, your mouth and nose know what's coming and they are not happy about it. After glass six, even holding your nose shut seems futile and it gets difficult to swallow due to all the salty residue in your throat.
After about an hour, more fun begins with bowel movements. In the wise advice of my dear old dad, "Stay close to the toilet, and don't even think about farting." This really is good advice. But it is a challenge to keep drinking every 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom all the time. It takes several hours to drink the whole gallon, and the colorful eliminations continue for several hours beyond your last drink. In all likelihood, you will be done going to the bathroom about 5 minutes before your alarm goes off to get up to get to your colonoscopy on time.
The actual procedure is not that bad. (This part of the lie is true.) You will see some weird looking instruments and probably wonder where they will be putting it, but you won't remember any of that. Make sure you have a responsible adult to drive you home and don't make any important decisions the rest of the day.
And just when you think the "fun" is over, the bill arrives...
A few hours later, when your stomach is registering on the Richter scale, the fun REALLY begins. There are a few different bowel preps. The particular torture my doctor prescribed involves drinking a gallon of salt water sludge. They give you four flavor packets so you can choose your flavor. (Note: Even if you add all four packets, it will not improve the flavor.)
The directions tell you to drink 8 ounces every 10 minutes until your jug o' fun is empty. The first glass is actually not too bad. By the second glass, your mouth and nose know what's coming and they are not happy about it. After glass six, even holding your nose shut seems futile and it gets difficult to swallow due to all the salty residue in your throat.
After about an hour, more fun begins with bowel movements. In the wise advice of my dear old dad, "Stay close to the toilet, and don't even think about farting." This really is good advice. But it is a challenge to keep drinking every 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom all the time. It takes several hours to drink the whole gallon, and the colorful eliminations continue for several hours beyond your last drink. In all likelihood, you will be done going to the bathroom about 5 minutes before your alarm goes off to get up to get to your colonoscopy on time.
The actual procedure is not that bad. (This part of the lie is true.) You will see some weird looking instruments and probably wonder where they will be putting it, but you won't remember any of that. Make sure you have a responsible adult to drive you home and don't make any important decisions the rest of the day.
And just when you think the "fun" is over, the bill arrives...
# posted by angela @ 8:20 PM 
